Friday, October 21, 2011

I am a Litter Virgin

So there are now 11 days till my procedure.  On November1st, they will implant a device in my heart to close a congenital defect that is allowing unoxygenated blood and clots to travel to my brain and organs.  It will be fed to the heart through a vein in my groin, so it is not open-heart surgery.  They have discovered finally that my lifelong migraines and neurological problems are caused by lack of oxygen and strokes - the original defect is complicated by a clotting disorder.  The odds are good for a full recovery and there is a strong chance that I may feel better than I’ve ever felt in my life, but still a number of factors make this risky for me. 

I am in God’s hands and whatever happens is what is meant to be.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love life - even feeling sick is still living and I am willing to fight hard to keep my life.  But I am also tired.  I am relaxing into this.  I have to give this momentous event up to my loving higher power and make peace with everything that is in my heart, all the past pain and internal battles that have been raging inside of this body and mind for 39 years.  I’m ready for peace now, in whatever form it comes.  I hope that the form will keep me here with all the wonderful people I have grown to love dearly who are still in body.  But if that is not His will, then I am going to make the best of these next 11 days and use them to get as close to inner peace as I can and share myself with those who want to know me better.  So let’s start that now. 

Interesting Jen fact #1:  I am an adventure magnet.  I have NEVER EVER been bored and it’s the only emotion that I simply cannot relate to.  I have narrowly missed being struck by lightning twice.  My mum always says, “If it will happen to one in a billion, then it will happen to you.”  And she’s right.  This orthodoxia platypnea syndrome is just that rare – “no more than 50 cases reported” since its discovery in 1949.   

Adventure and strange experiences find me, or perhaps I just tend to look at everything in life as an exciting adventure...and am excessively clumsy.  Here is something from this last hour:

I’ve been sick all week, but today I’m finally feeling able to enjoy something (thank you to all my cheerleaders for the love and prayers) so I got a hankering for a latté.  In my pajamas, stockings and bathrobe I drove down to the Union Square Deli to get my fix.  It felt so great, despite the storm, to have all my windows down, the crisp, wet air tousling my already tangled hair.  I greedily gulped down the fresh Hood Canal air.  “Could air be any fresher???”  I thought.   

As I reached the bottom of Dalby hill a gust of fresh air caught a plastic bag that was lurking in some hidden recess of my car’s neglected interior.  It whirled around in the cab as I tried to catch it, and slipping through my fingers it shot out the window and danced in the wind down the road.  “Shit!” came out of my mouth, involuntarily.  I can’t help it.  Sometimes these words still slip out, even though I try so hard to be rated G, except of course when it is really REALLY funny to say “shit” ;)  I was thinking, “NO.  I’ve never EVER littered in my life (aside from apple cores and banana peels along deserted country roads.)  I was planning on dying a litter virgin.” 

After I got my latte I drove back up Dalby, searching for my plastic bag.  I saw it skip down into the ditch, among the rainwater and overgrown grasses on the opposite side of the road.  In the time it took me to get up to the gas station at the end of Dalby I had resolved to turn around and go back to get it.  I was so pleased when I spotted it in a shallow embankment.  I pulled in a driveway and the owner of the home watched me curiously, as I peeled off my socks and in my bare feet and bathrobe I tiptoed through the mud and grit, down the gully and heroically rescued my bag from the perils of nature.  The bag flapping in the wind as I triumphantly marched back to my car reminded me of a victory flag.  It made me feel so good to have recovered the booty at the end of my quest.   

These are the little things that make me happy – the small adventures and the opportunities to feel good about my impact on the world.  I so want to make it a better place at every chance I get and certainly not contribute to the destruction of this beautiful creation. 

Oh yeah, interesting Jen fact #2:  I am still a litter virgin.

Ego and Enlightenment

Ego blinds. It casts deep, dark shadows. There is no room for ego in enlightenment.